Brain dump



Brain Dump

About page


Here I will say some things.

I hope to be able to maintain this page. The idea is to create an old-school blog/brain dump, a little window from which people can see. Hopefully my brain will let me.

The idea is to just dump everything here, but it might be best to create some sort of organizational system for myself, for reference. I wonder if I can implement tags here, but until I do I am afraid I will not tag triggers. Expect dark thoughts, is what I am saying. I am building this from scratch so please bear with me.

How this is going to work

I will try to do this so that only the first line is showing... and then continue with the rest of the text. That way I can check quickly and it won't be a wall of text Show More

1st (and 2nd) of September 2023

September is here! It is always nice when the weather gets colder... and you can calmly sleep without feeling you're boiling.
Yesterday was rough at work. Still counting the days. Went out and had lunch with my work bestie and he is stressed as fuck as well, so I did not get to disconnect for my lunch break, which is a shame.
Normally I like to go for a small walk and eat next to the river while listening to a podcast, read a little, or just chill in silence. Which might sound lonely, but helps switch the brain off. Anyway it was nice. After work I went to a nearby pub with one of my coworkers to have a drink and unwind. We stayed outside and the weather was kind of cool (not warm, not cold, just nice), though there was a drizzle at points (nothing bad, we were under a parasol so no big issue). We talked a lot and it was great. He has asked me for my steam (though I send the friend request a while ago and he has not accepted) and we might play together sometime, so that is amazing. Among other things, he asked me about my love life, and I might have overshared slightly. After telling him about the girl I have a date with on Sunday (yes, Sunday, we postponed Saturday) he just told me that "oh I asked because I was not sure if you liked men or women" (to which I answered I like every gender). He talked to me a bit about his life and it turns out we are at a similar point; we are both fine by ourselves but at the same time "you can't help whom you get a crush on". When I say I almost screamed you should believe me. Thinking really hard about a drawing I did a bit ago (and about the dream in question). Where do I hide my face. Am I that obvious? I think it was just an offhanded comment and he does not know. Anyway. It's always so weird having a crush. Maybe I should have said something, but well. I don't know. He mentioned he might send me something if there was any plan today, but nothing in the end. We left at about 21 and I played videogames for a little while, watched some essays and (finally) deleted my tumblr.

Today has been a quiet day. I woke up really late to a message from this girl asking to reschedule, because she had 0 energy (which I appreciated a ton, because I was also quite tired). I don't know how I feel about her (she is really nice but I don't know what I want or what I feel or if I feel something at all and I don't want to waste her time. Feelings are hard and I don't like them. Why, oh, why did my friend convince me to do this. I am quite nervous about tomorrow and it's the fucking worst thing. I keep collapsing when thinking about it. Anyway, then I went shopping, cleaned around a little and played Dwarf fortress for a while. Then, food, WWDITS (the last episode was nice, a bit of a copout but well), and more DF.
The fortress is going well, though I had my first death today (on this new colony, at least. I have had several deaths before but this is a new save). Though I survived my first attack and I managed to set up the hunting parties without them wanting to die, though the butchering mechanic still eludes me (now we're just storing animal corpses it seems, because the butcher does not register them as possible sources of food, which is frustrating). I really feel I need to reorganize the base because it is getting stressful. Might try to set borrows up, but I would need to revamp the whole base so... Future project I think.
I have bought Faith (the 3 chapters) but I am too much of a coward to play just now. It's almost midnight here so I think I am just going to relax for a bit and try to head to bed early. I have done almost nothing all day and I feel guilty, but that's just how things are. Not every day needs to be productive. I know that. But still feels bad.
On a final note and more related to the organization of this blog; I am not sure whether I should save each entry individually or if it is better this way. I like this scrolling method but I am not certain this is the most efficient.
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31st of August 2023

Long time without posting! Some things have changed... and others are the same. I am still having trouble sleeping and keeping up with time. I have changed a few things though. Main things these past months:
•Went back to my home country and on vacation with my friends (we went to Portugal and it was the best), visited my family and had a great time all-round (this was July). I did not realize how much I missed swimming in the sea. I did not realize how much I missed my friends and familiy –by which I mean I realized I missed them, but did not realize the intensity until I was actually with them again.
•Went to pride for the first time in I don't know how long. I believe it was the first time since I came out as trans. And I actually dressed how I wanted and really felt myself, dysphoria be damned. I met with a friend from work and it was really chill and nice.
•Quit my job (and applied to several others without success). I am still working in the company because we had to notify it in advance. Still awful. But just few days left. So that is good. Even if I am still not sleeping and having panic attacks constantly. And to that we can add the fact that not having a clear path terrifies me. So yeah, I am not doing well at all and some bad feelings are coming back. But it will get better.
•Started to try dating (with some (?) success). This is a weird story. A friend of mine recommended to create a profile for the lolz and I ended up meeting with a really nice person. I am learning that I can be appreciated and that people can like me, though I am still insecure as fuck. I am still not sure what to do with my life, not sure I can be with someone (both because of the need for space, my own self-doubt, and my insecurity about the future), but for the time being it is ok. I need to think more about it. Though, in reality, I'd do better thinking about it less. Really not sure I am up for a relationship, but it is nice to get to know people, even if it is tense as fuck. Trying my hardest to avoid acting or being less me that I normally would out of fear of rejection, which was the point in any case (my shrink would be proud of me saying these last sentences). Dysphoria is also getting a bit tough lately because, of course, how I present myself and how people percieve me tends to be a bit of a trigger. As far as I know this person should not have issues with my gender, but at the same time it worries me a lot. So let's just say it is an interesting experience. On another note, the crush is not going away, so that is a complicated thing as well. Like what the actual fuck is wrong with you, Delta. Stop. I feel a lot lately. I do not care for it at all. And speaking of feelings...
•Attempted to get a pet (without success). There was a kitten that needed a home. After thinking about it for a while I decided to fight my fears and adopt it. For that I needed to ask my landlord. Spoke with my landlord about it yesterday. Turns out, no pets allowed in the flat. I am furious and devastated, I really thought it would be nice for my mental health. So fuck me I guess. I really hope it finds a nice home.
•Discovered new music and went to a concert (great success of the bands, not mine). This was back in July, but they have another concert coming up soon and I cannot wait to go!!
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10th of June 2023

Well, technically the 11th, but... you know how it is. I have trouble keeping up with thime lately. On the 7th I spoke to some of my friends back home, which was wonderful. I really miss them so much. Good thing I will see them soon(ish)!! And on the 8th and 9th I spent most of my free time preparing a birthday present. I have been reading and drawing a lot so that is great. Yesterday I went to bed at 3 a. m. because I was just so engrossed with it. I don't know, I get tunnel vision sometimes. Today has also been mostly spent on that project. It's not perfect but I think she'll like it.
I was supposed to have a session with my therapist on the 8th but she was feeling poorly so we rescheduled. It is kinda bad for my sanity, but at the same time I feel that some interesting things are happening lately to my brain, so I suppose giving a bit more time before I rehash it all with her might be good.
Oh, and on the 8th a fun thing happened at work. I asked my boss (good one, not new one) a question about what happens when someone leaves, and she answered that "If you tell me you are leaving I will need to lie down for three weeks". To which I, maybe too sincerely, responded that "There are things to consider but you might want to look into a good mattress". It might have been too bold of me but idk. You cannot seriously expect me to pretend things are fine, and if we're being humorous... We discussed some of the points and, while I have reassured her that I am not leaving yet, I have made it extremely clear that I am considering options. It would make me sad to go but I cannot keep feeling miserable all the time. Sorry but platitudes about how "things are bad now but will get better" are not enough, I am taking matters into my own hands and doing, literally, my job (to the letter, as written on the contract, with the hours written on the contract). I have been helping around on top of doing my job and so things are rough, but well. I help when I choose to and whom I choose to, I am not going to let 'em pile more things on top of me without (at least) asking first. So that is strangely liberating, though it is only a temporary thing and I still feel drained most of the time. One of my coworkers actually apologized to me because she felt it was her fault that I was overworked and it broke my heart a bit. It is not your fault, you have shit to take care of and it just happened that stuff got thrown onto me. It's not you I am annoyed at, it's at the people who are supposed to organize things. It's fine, we're fine.
On another note, on work-related things, the future ex-crush keeps being really nice to me and talking a lot (and sending puns and music, which everyone knows is one of the ways to my heart) so that is lovely. Man, I need to get over this somehow.
I finished Making Money (on Friday) and started Unseen Academicals. Surprising nobody, I am having the time of my life rereading Pratchett, but it makes me feel sad that I have so few of them left. I have been saving some of them (and have not read the last published ones yet) for a rainy day. I seriously do not know what I will do once there are no more new (for me) books in the saga. GNU Terry Prattchet.
It is now technically June 11th and, between gift mischief, videogames, and writing this, I have spent all day in front of the PC. It is nice to have a fully restful day, but I feel a bit guilty about not having gone out. I really need to do some sightseeing around the city. I feel like I am really not making the most of my stay here, but when I am not entirely drained I either feel so lazy I will not move at all or get hyper-anxious and unable to go out. It has been raining lately so it feels nice to stay home and relax hearing the rain. I should take some time tomorrow to organize my flat and clean up, but I might go out in the sunlight for a bit as well.
Gender of the day today was a racoon with access to watercolors just going nuts on a canvas. I hope your day was nice and bright. Talk to you again soon.
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6th of June 2023

Today has also been a rough day but there have been some highlights. I will start... with the bad and then go on to the good. The bad has been as always, overworked and stressed and a general sense of *ugh* all day long. I have asked how much of a notice I would have to give to be able to leave my job and it is much longer than expected. I will need to ask what if I just. Don't. And leave. Could they get me for breach of contract? So yeah, looking for an escape route. The new boss has been bothering me quite a bit and I am not happy about it but what else is new. Good thing is I stood my ground, even if I was a bit shitty, because you cannot just pile up things on top of me. "Whether we ("we" meaning "you" particularly, Delta) can do this?". "No. I have no capacity today. If you want I can stop doing the other tasks you said were really urgent. But I really cannot be wasting my time". So yay me I suppose! The art of not giving a fuck. Feels good, man. Lately I have been thinking about one of STP's quotes (from Carpe Jugulum), that reads as follows:

"The reward for toil had been more toil. If you dug the best ditches, they gave you a bigger shovel." - Terry Pratchett

So, yeah, I do not intend to get a bigger shovel. Mine is big enough and it keeps growing. From now on it is just as specified on my contract, otherwise they can [censored].
I am still annoyed but feel weirdly proud of standing up for myself. Additionally I had a nice chat with one of my friends (aka the future excrush) today so that's cool. I word it this way because, though I have feelings, I need to get rid of them. I will not ellaborate on this for the time being, gods know I have thought about this enough and it just would not work and I need processing power in my brain, so the crush has to go. On secondary highlights, not work related: I made an animated gif! You should be able to see it on the background now, but in case I end up changing it, I will insert it here as well:

One of my best friends (thanks, A.) has recommended that I add some delay on some of these eyes. I believe this will look interesting, so I might try it tomorrow (that, and the corner/half eyes so the gif does not look as square-ish). For now I am just updating this with the previously made gif. I think it is not a bad way of doing this, as I can trick my brain: I fix X issue and, now that I am editing the page, might as well write my thoughts. It is working so far but gods know constance is not one of my virtues. We will see.
The weather today was rainy and gray, but with a nice (14° C) temperature, absolutely lovely. Shame I could not eat outsidem though.
Book of the day is Making Money by Terry Pratchett. Gender of the day was a band t-shirt you bought at a concert but whose music you are not really that big of a fan of.
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5th of June 2023

FML, I tried to make this better and almost lost everything I had done thus far. Anyway... I am still not sure how this works, because I am getting content here that is already deleted, so that is fun. I do not know, it went crazy for a bit there (but I believe now, after a lot of panicking, it should be mostly fixed). Now for the brain dump.
I finished Thud today and it is. So good. I am so sorry but the Where is my cow scenes have made me feel so many different things. What a genius, that guy. GNU PTerry.
Work today was really rough. I am so frustrated and sad and angry and tired, I don't know. And it is still a Monday. Every day it is harder and harder to care, I swear. I need to look for options. I cannot keep having panic attacks at work. New boss is the worst and I do not know what to do anymore. So yeah, complaining. I have made a list of things to tell my future ex-boss before she leaves, as she is going to be here a bit before the new boss is officially the new boss. Even if I negotiate or whatever I do not know if it is worth it anymore to work for that business. If I spend every day thinking of jumping out of a window I do not believe a small raise (which I would not even get anyway because the company has budget issues, even if every year they post about how much they earned (which is another beast entirely), look how well we are doing, yeah, I have not noticed) or a position name change (which is all it will be) will be worth it. The biggest question is whether I will get my holidays (not my holidays, but the corresponding money) if I leave right fucking now. I cannot stop thinking about it. Because every day I want to walk out and every day I know that even if I quit they will say I need to stay until that is done because they will not pay them. Which means I will not get them, because I do not have a backup for the things I do. I would have to train someone, which is not fucking happening. So yeah, they can fucking burn for all I care. Seriously considering not even taking the money (which, again, I don't think is an option) and leaving my vacation days unused. I am fucking exhausted and do not want to set foot in that place, but hey, such is life. Team spirit and all that fucking bullshit. Of course today after my shift ended the new boss told me to go to her desk (because her time -unlike mine- is valuable and she -unlike me- cannot move, apparently) to have a meeting on a thing I am doing. At least I kinda stood my ground and said that I'd do it tomorrow. For what you pay me and how you handle things you can be fucking thankful I did not say "hey we are out of work hours so bye".
So anyway that was my work day. It was raining when I finally left, and it was really refreshing. I really like the rain. The walk from work is always a highlight. I might have liked to socialize a bit but lately I am just exhausted and do not want to talk (before you say anything, writing is different; I do not want to directly complain and dump this to a person. I do not want to be the kind of person who just talks about work). So after a nice walk in silence I arrived home and started fixing this mess (with few results). 1h of effort into the garbage and I still do not know why, but well. At least it was doing something nice. I have started reading Making Money (by Terry Pratchett, I am almost done with the saga and I am so sad and so delighted) and it is great so far. Moist is such a stinko I adore him and hate him. Now it is getting late so I think I might read for a bit, cook something, and try to draw (I am told being away from screens before going to sleep is good for you and, given that I have not been in the sun today (another thing my shrink recommended) I think it might help me with the insomnia) a bit before bed. I might write some more later if something pops up in my mind that I want to register, but for now that is it.
Books of the day are Thud and Making money. Though of the day is that smoking is not the only thing I should quit. Gender of the day is a cactus. I hope you are having a wonderful day.
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4th of June 2023

So this is the first entry of the dump. I am slightly nervous. This is just a little experiment and... I have spent a couple of hours on it. Which is not necessarily bad, it is nice to be able to review HTML. It has been long.On the other hand I feel like I should probably spend this time looking for another job, or writing, or drawing, or something. It's usually like this; it does not matter what I do, my brain screams I should be doing something else. Anyway it is ok I suppose. I should have socialized a little more this weekend, but I believe it is fine. Sometimes you need a break. I mean, this is not an awful way to spend time. My brain keeps trying to think how to monetize this (and the answer is obvious, you could create a page for your work, to advertise yourself, but you do not feel like it at all). I have been checking some of the pages here and they are so cool, I need to do better but I think this is enough for today. In terms of how this will go: think I will add pages going chronologically backwards from now (i.e., the next entry will appear before this one, and so on). Anyway I will try to write a little blurb to introduce myself. That, in and of itself, is a challenge. I do not like describing myself much (surprise, surprise). Everything is a work in progress. In any case, thank you if you have read this far.
Book of the day was Thud, by Terry Pratchett. Thought of the day is that I have to stop smoking at some point. Gender of the day is a headache that does not go away. Added a half-assed description of myself on the About page, it does not say much. Was not feeling really talkative today.
In all seriousness, now, you do not know how long it took me to fix this "Show more" issue and have this set up, even as it looks now? Like what the hell. My profile shows many updates and this still looks like this. Do people edit offline? I have a tendency to save every 2 seconds so I suppose it makes sense.
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